Make madness a way of life.

So the string of post-UTMB failure compensation races is done.
2 weeks post UTMB - MCN ultra round 3 - 38 miles
5 weeks post-UTMB - 3x3000 Skyrace ultra
7 weeks post-UTMB - Centurion A100.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.


A100 blog
Edition A. For the chronically short of attention-span

Leg 1: this is too fast, I'm tired, I feel sick, I'm sweaty uuuurrrrghhhh
Leg 2: And we're off! Where the hell did this speed come from?! This may come back to bite me, but I feel great!
Leg 3: I'm still running...what's going on? why am I still feeling ok? Did I just overtake Ed Catmur?!
Leg 4: And...hit the wall. How is this leg so long? Come on Sarah, keep on plodding...and FINISH!


Edition B. Full version. Lengthy and rambling.

Kit used: Inov-8 race vest, Asics gel Fuji Trabuco shoes, 1000 mile compression socks, LED-Lenser and Petzl headtorches,
Sports nutrition used: High-5 electrolyte tablets, SIS gels, shotblocs, Lucozade dextrose tablets

Like my other recent races, entered the A100 after I'd come back from failing at the UTMB. I wasn't really sure what I was doing, feeling a bit directionless, but also really didn't want to have gone more than a year without doing a 100 mile race. Looking at the calendar, I had A100, Cotswold century or the White Rose 100 to choose from. But I also really wanted to do the 3x3000. A100 was only 2 weeks later, but I thought I'd give it a shot.

So, 2 weeks after the 3x3000, 7 weeks after dropping from UTMB, I was lining up at the start of the A100 for a second time. I had no idea what I would be able to do this year, having spent most of 2015 training on hills and racing in mountains, I didn't know what my legs would make of such a flat course. Add to that a week of night shifts leading up to the race, and a viral infection giving me a temperature of 38 degrees on the morning of the race, I was pretty convinced that I would fade hard after the first 50, and certain that I wouldn't be able to repeat my time from 2014. I had no real plan, just see what I could do.

 Junior doctors protest #notsafenotfair

The first leg was as I remember it from 2014. Hard and miserable. It's flat, relentless, and you know when you get back to Goring you've only done 1/4 of the race. Add to that the uncertainty of pacing...should I trust my instincts and go slow or should I chase the lead woman (Sally Ford, who set off into the distance looking so strong and confident)? The Centurion team had set up a bit of a 'battle' between us in the online banter before the race, and I was aware that on paper Sally was a much stronger runner than I am. She has sub-3hr marathon times and some amazing ultramarathon results, having crushed the female field (and most of the male field) in all the other Centurion 100 mile races in 2015. I remembered seeing her at the Whitchurch checkpoint on the TP100 when I was volunteering, and was struck then by how strong she looked 67 miles into the race. I had started with the intention of following my own pace. But I am easily lead and was uncomfortable with the idea of being left behind, so I nailed my colours to the mast, and I chased her initial pace.

I got back to Goring from leg one feeling pretty rubbish. I felt that I had pushed way too hard, and was cursing my stupidity. Nici, who was acting as an impromptu crew for me, got my kit, made sure I had enough orange juice on board, and then mentioned to me that I was sweating a lot more than usual. I knew I had a temp to start with, and I had been feeling a bit shivery before the race so had put on an extra T-shirt. I decided to get rid of the extra layers and just go with my vest. This was definitely a good decision. I've realised more and more this year the negative effect that heat has on my performance. With hyperhidrosis I struggle to keep up with my fluid losses on a cool day, and the heat makes it nearly impossible. I ran the rest of the race in a vest and shorts, and was much more comfortable.

Leg 2 starts with some more depressing flatness. The whining nagging demons that had started in my head along the first leg were getting louder now. Telling me that the UTMB was a lesson to me that I couldn't do this. That I simply wasn't built for running, that I was still the fat kid who was useless at everything. Rich Keefe (Mudcrew ultra team) who was running close at the time commented on how my running style had changed from the initial stages of leg one, and that my stride was now much shorter. That really made me think about how I was running this race. Sally was still up ahead of me, but I made the decision at that point to find my own pace. I chucked down a couple of cups of Coke at the next aid station, put my headphones in, blocked out the negative voices and started singing. Here it was, here was my sweet spot. I soon found my legs, my pace, my stride and was rolling along Grims ditch feeling much more positive, singing cheesy Russian pop songs as loud as I could. I hit the turn-around point feeling really good, I was finally enjoying myself. This continued all the way back to Goring (despite a detour of unidentified length...who says you can't get lost on an out-and-back course!), as I met other runners on their outward journey I got lots of lovely words of encouragement (and I hope gave some too, although all I seem to remember is yelling 'Crack on!' at everyone who went past me!!)


Back at Goring it suddenly dawned on me that I'd just run a 50 mile PB of 7 hours. I was still pretty worried about this pace, and at this point was also stuggling with nutrition and fluid. I knew I had been eating far less than I intended, and received a few stern words from Nici who sent me away from the checkpoint with my pockets full of goodies. There's a steady climb of around half a mile in the first section of leg 3, and I mentally set this distance aside to walk, eat and drink. I finished off a packet of marmite cashews and a couple of gels and around a mile later the effects really kicked in, I was literally up and running again! I happily plodded my way to the turnaround point and headed back to Goring. Just before the decent into Goring, I passed Ed Catmur, not something I ever thought I'd find myself doing! I was getting nervous now, knowing how much I had been dreading the final leg. So close, and yet so far. I was trying to work out how much time I could allow myself to still finish in a decent overall time, but I was starting to get ultra-brain and I could barely work out what time it was let alone calculate ahead.


Back in Goring again. I was feeling sick, and so so sleepy. I think the run of nightshifts had caught up with me at this point, and I just wanted to lie down and sleep. When I whinged about how sick I was feeling I remember Gary pointing out that I was sweating like a horse and hadn't been drinking enough, and did I maybe think that this may have something to do with my sickness?! I think I may have called him a sarcastic bugger at this point, but he was dead right! I realise I was procrastinating here to delay setting off on the final 25 and so did Nici. She had soon turfed me out of the checkpoint and sent me on my way with strict instructions to eat more.

Procrastinating 'Camera tart'

The final countdown!!
4 miles to Whitchurch. This was ok, a nice bit of path and a bit of uphill to break the monotony of the Thames path. 8 miles to Reading. Not so nice. Flat, and with those never-ending fields, a depressing up 'n' down through a housing estate and a run of never-ending tarmac until you reach the far checkpoint. At one point I was retching into a bush, when I head a little voice behind me saying 'are you ok mate?' I turned around to see a worried-looking teenager peering at me in concern. Sweet! I mumbled something about being in a race and it all being a bit intense, and staggered away in embarrassment.
The journey back from the far checkpoint did seem to go faster. I know I was struggling, but I was still running. There was one amazing point when David Barker came past me, looking like he had just started a marathon. He finished 15 minutes ahead of me, in sub-16 hours. That guy is an absolutely amazing lesson in pacing!!
At Whitchurch I stopped at the checkpoint for a few minutes and confessed to the crew there that I had just pee'd down my leg in the dark. At this point a girl came into the checkpoint on her outward journey, patted me on the shoulder and said 'well done!'. I'm still not sure if she was referring to my running or my ability to pee on myself. Still, thanks!!
The 4 miles back to Goring flew by. Soon I was at the finish in a total of 16 hours 13 minutes, being congratulated by James, who had himself just smashed up the course record in an amazing 14 hours 35 minutes! What a legend!! I hung around for a bit, enjoying the warmth and friendliness of the extended Centurion family.

Well-earned Nici hug!

What a day! Such a range of emotions and experiences. I love the Centurion crew! I think their awesomeness and the awesomeness of their events is reflected in the fact that all their 2016 races are sold out already!


But, with myself, I'm not satisfied. I'm always underwhelmed with my results, and always feel I should have done better. This result is no different. So I will try harder. And hopefully improve.

I wandered lonely as a cloud.

When I came back from my UTMB failure I went a bit mad entering things. This race looked like it could be interesting, and I'd never given Skyrunning a try. Plus, I'd always fancied a run in the lakes. What more excuse does a girl need?

I travelled up on the Friday morning and went and recce'd the Scafell climb. It was wonderful! I could feel myself getting more and more excited, and I really had to resist the temptation to carry on running all afternoon!

On Saturday I recce'd the Helvelyn climb. The photo below is better than me trying to explain the wonder of the experience.

Sunday morning, 5am. We set off from Keswick and were quickly off the tarmac and onto forest paths. The first section to Scafell was all runnable, and along some lovely trails underfoot with boulders to jump, undulating sections that made you feel like you were on a rollercoaster and the hint of the sunrise promising a wonderful day ahead!

The climbing started from Seathwaite. I found that I could run most of the initial ascent up to Styehead Tarn, wondering if I would regret this later as I caught up and then overtook a group of guys ahead of me. But I knew that the pain would be on the descents and flat sections, so I decided to just let my body go with it and enjoy the climbs.

The corridor route to the start of the final Scafell climb was a treat! Ridges to clamber along, boulders to hop off, real hands and knees stuff! So THIS is why people love Skyrunning! I hadn't had this much fun since the Borriol Mountain Marathon!!

I made it comfortably up to the summit of Scafell having overtaken around 5 guys on the climb. A couple of them then overtook me on the decent, as I minced my way down a terrifying vertical scree slope and then scrambled around on some boulders on top of another peak. How do the fell runners throw themselves down this stuff so fast?! I followed a chap who was really motoring along on the next undulating section along some peaty paths and then hit another climb. I met another couple of guys here, and got chatting. I'm not usually that sociable during runs, preferring to just get into my own little world of pain and euphoria. But I really, really enjoyed the company of these guys all the way down the decent, through some deep bogs and seriously lumpy terrain to the base of the Helvellyn climb.

One of the blokes I was running with (I'm really sorry, I never asked your name!) started the Helvellyn climb just ahead of me, saying that he wanted to get a head-start on me so we could run along The Dodds together. Ah, that's nice!! I never really thought of anyone enjoying my company during a race, I always alternate between silly and grumpy! We climbed up, chatting for a bit and marvelling at the view. Unfortunately I was still in the power-up mode, and so I lost him on the climb. This is when I noticed Dave Troman. Bright blue shorts. About 5 minutes ahead of me. And that is where he remained for the rest of the race!

I hit the summit of Helvellyn and then set off along The Dodds. About 30 minutes later I started to feel a bit funny. I was sure I'd been keeping on top of my nutrition...or had I? 5 minutes later I fell over. I didn't trip, my legs just gave way. I stood up again and tried to keep on running. This bit was flat. But I couldn't run. Nope, definitely not keeping on top of my nutrition. I frantically searched my bag for stuff I could eat, and settled on a 9 bar and half a block of Kendle Mint Cake. 10 minutes and a bit of staggering later I felt the effects kick in and suddenly I was off again.

I got to the top of Clough Head, and at that point I lost the path. After running around the top for a bit I saw it. I'd been warned about this decent, but I was still shocked. That's a cliff, not a slope!! Grassy, sheer, with some mildly interested sheep dotted down it. Well, at least I'd have something soft to land on if I fell!

I started to edge downwards. No blue shorts in sight. Damn it, I'd lost the guy ahead of me. As the slope started to flatted a little, I started to run and caught my right foot on a boulder. I'd already gone over on this ankle twice on the night section, and it was feeling pretty sore. This time my ankle twisted and I heard a crack. I collapsed, grabbing my ankle and rolled around like an injured footballer for a bit, before I realised that wasn't getting me anywhere. A few minutes of limping and I found that thankfully there was no serious damage. It was bloody sore, but I could still run on it. Mental note to self - when I go back to do this race next year, I am going down this descent on my arse!!

The next section was a flat 4 miles to the base of Skiddaw. I was feeling pretty sore in the usual places, and very tired. I plodded up to the checkpoint at Latrigg ready for the final climb. 'See you in a couple of hours' the marshal said. A couple?! I thought this last bit would only take me an hour or so! Talk about misjudging distance! I didn't realise that there was a few miles of runnable path before the final climb started. I struggled along, definitely feeling the effects of my early power-climbs. The path was undulating and rocky, the kind I usually love to run, but I was getting very tired. I had a couple of shotblocs which gave me a little boost, but was very happy to hit the base of the climb. This one was different to Scafell and Helvellyn, the path was mud and grass rather than paved/boulders. It reminded me of the coastpath climbs between St Gennys and Bostcastle. Except that it went on and on and on! I could still climb well though, so really got stuck into it. As I neared the top I saw a figure standing on the summit silhouetted against the sky...what a sight! A moment or two later and the figure gracefully leapt of the cairn and ran over the horizon. That HAD to be Sally (Sally Fawcett, fell-runner and fellow GB trail team member)!! That girl is like a gazelle on the hills! She had been competing in the fell relay in Patterdale that morning, and had come over for a jaunt up Skiddaw to meet me. Sure enough as I got to the summit there she was! She offered to keep me company on the final decent. I felt pretty good at first particularly when Keswick came into view! But I think we set off a little fast, because despite the runnable nature of the descent, I suddenly I felt that horrible hypo feeling again. I couldn't run, and I thought I was going to pass out! Sally patiently waited for me to stand and sway pathetically for a bit whilst filling up on calories, then led me on down the hill to Latrigg. From here it was a gentle downhill along forest paths back to the centre of Keswick, and FINISH!

This event was spectacular. The course included just about every different kind of terrain you could imagine running on. Boulders and ridges, bogs, forest path, scree slopes and grassy trails. The Marshals were fantastic and really friendly. The finish included hot soup and a massage, and for me a pint, fish and chips, and a chance to catch up with Sally. And finishing in the centre of Keswick was amazing, with loads of friendly passers-by cheering and chatting to us afterwards.

Thanks so much to the event sponsors, Suunto, Leki and Petzl for the amazing prizes!

Thanks High Terrain events, for a wonderful day! This one is definitely on the calendar for next year!

Mud glorious mud

Ok, so it was only 2 weeks since I dropped from the UTMB. I've been feeling knackered, my injuries are not yet healed, and I still can't run downhill comfortably.
But I'm also daft as a brush.
So, last weekend I went to the Black Mountains to sample some more delicious trail laid on for us by the team at Might Contain Nuts. My aim was to test out my endurance and hill legs and treat the race as a long training run ahead of the 3x3000 in October.

I've done one other race in the Brecons this year. The midnight mountain marathon (put on by Brutal Events) was a wonderful marathon(ish) race which included the summit of Pen-y-fan. I went into that one with fresh legs, but a stinking hangover, which was completely cured by the time I finished!

I've decided to start keeping a bit more of a record of training and kit now (having previously been someone who keeps no training log and doesn't run with a watch/garmin).

Training Week leading up to the race:
Saturday - 12 x 1 minute hill sprints. Sunday - 2k swim. Monday - 9 miles hilly road. Tuesday - cycle to and from work, then post-cycle 6 mile tempo run plus extra weight. Wednesday - 2k swim, 5 miles steady run. Thursday - cycle to and from work. Friday - 3 miles steady.

Clothing list: Shorts, long-sleeved running top, Hilly single-skin socks, Nike sports bra, Asics gel Fuji Trabuco trail shoes.
Kit list: waterproof trousers and jacket, long running tights, gloves, hat, headlight, compass, map, water and food.
Estimated food consumed during race: 1 pack shotblocs, 2 x SIS gels, 2 pieces of flapjack (picked up at checkpoints)

Here's my bullet-point race rundown, comprised of snippets of thought that I can recall.

*Ok, I can run, slowly but I can run

*I can't run fast and I feel very heavy. This is hard

*This climb is AWESOME! I feel like a mountain goat!!

*Yay, rain! The best kind of ultra-weather!

*Damn it, I'm lost. (This was a recurring thought throughout the race, as a lot of the course markings had been blown over)

*Oh hell, major energy slump. When will I learn to fuel properly?! (1 packet of shotblocks and 2 SIS gels were not enough for this run)

*It's really hot, I wonder if anyone would judge me if I ran in just my sports bra....no, I just can't do that to the world.

*Why the hell do I always seem to feel so short of breath and lethargic these days?

*Woohoo, I made it into first place! Thank you hill-legs!

*Boo, I still can't run downhill properly, I'm back in second!!

*This is the best macaroni cheese I've ever had in my entire life!!! (The catering company doing food at the end of the race were amazing)

Thanks Might Contain Nuts, another brilliant event!!

The cause and solution to all of life's problems.

Today I went for a run, and I felt terrible. My heart was thumping out of my chest, and my legs would barely move. I am exhausted.

It's been a generally bad year so far. I make no secret of the fact that I have mental health problems. They have been troubling me. I have felt myself become isolated and I have lost my enthusiasm. I have lost a close friend because of my difficult nature. I feel uncertain of my future.

That's the problem with racing when you have depression. The racing becomes a way to vindicate yourself. One bad race, and you lose all faith in yourself. 2 bad races and your world might as well have ended. At that point, you have become worthless. Because your only worth is in winning races, right? That's when people praise you, that's when people want to know you. The rest of the time you are just...nothing.
And even if you do do well in a race, you always know you could have done better....

That is the rut I have found myself in more and more this year, and it is sapping me of strength, and taking the pleasure out of running. Because, as a result of this, every bad run (not just race, but run) becomes overwhelming. And bad runs become more frequent. I find myself stopping and sitting by the side of the trail from sheer exhaustion after only a few miles. Instead of coming back from a training run and feeling satisfied and accomplished, I come back in tears. Why has my body stopped doing what I'm telling it to?

I have begun to examine the role of running in my life. Why do I do it? What does it mean to me? Why is it significant?

There are many reasons. Fresh air, love of the outdoors, desire to travel. But there are 4 major reasons which I identified.

1. I run to remain slim. I was surprised to find this at the top of the list, but the truth is, having suffered from anorexia as a teenager, and then piled on a load of weight in my early 20's, the fact that I can remain quite slim despite relatively normal food intake is massively liberating and comforting. And yes, when I can't run, I do withhold food from myself. My ideal figure is an androgynous one, and the years since I started ultra-running are those I have been most comfortable with my body.

2. Endorphins. I know that I get cranky and agitated when I can't exercise. I get sad, I stop eating (see reason 1), I drink more alcohol. I joke with people that running is just a more socially-acceptable form of opioid addiction, but it's closer to the truth than a joke. And point 2 is intimately interlinked with point...

...3. The good run. You know this one. The run that feels effortless. Your feet have wings attached and you glide. Your mind is free, your body is part of the air around you. I'm not an inherently spiritual person, but this is the closest I get to meditation.

4. Competition. I fit the stereotype; high grades at school, anorexic, competitive from an early age (originally in music). My mum always recalls how I phoned her in tears when I got a 2:1 in my second semester at uni. Her friends couldn't understand why I was upset, because 2:1 is good, correct? But for me, it wasn't a 1st and that was the point. These days I am not ambitious in my job, but in my running. I strive to achieve...to win. Then, if I do, I feel no sense of achievement and am still acutely aware of my own inadequacy.

And herein lies the problem. I have begun to define myself by this. These points have become over-arching. My other hobbies have faded away. I am a runner, but in my mind I am nothing else.

Today I went for a run, and I felt terrible. My heart was thumping out of my chest, and my legs would barely move. I am exhausted. Who am I?

...I need to find myself...

....I should go for a run.

The Centurion SDW50 was my first real ultra back in april 2013. (prior to that I'd done the CTS 32 in feb, running easy with a friend, and the VO2 JCC in march). I climbed the rankings all the way through the 2013 race, as the severe weather conditions picked off the field one by one. By 40 miles I had made it to first female, and I remember singing as I clambered up the hill 4 miles from the end...only to get lost on the top of the hill in the fog, add a 5 mile detour, and end up finishing an hour later than I'd expected, and in 3rd place. Disappointment was an understatement (especially when I saw the amazing centurion trophy that I had missed out on!!)

2014 brought me a win in the SDW100, and I managed to stay on course the whole route, but I was still not satisfied, I had to make up for that stupid mistake of 2013!

Earlier in 2015 I had been selected to the GB team for the world trail championships. I have been extremely nervous about this, as I'm the first to admit that my strength lies very much in endurance and not speed. Over 2014 I predominantly ran 100 mile races, and my overall pace has slowed considerably as a result. The other runners in the team seem to be people who excel over shorter distance. Holly Rush, Jo Meek, Sally Fawcett all have sub-3hr marathons to their name, whilst Lizzie Wraith and Bonnie Van Wilgenburg both have outstanding wins at shorter distance trail ultras. So since selection I have spent the time trying to improve my shorter distance speed. SDW50 seemed like a good chance to try a bit of a faster pace over the 50 mile distance.

I drove up to the start the night before the race, and stayed in a youth hostel (Before I started running I'd never stayed in a youth hostel before. Since starting running ultras I've become a member of YHA, as I find them the perfect, low cost option for accommodation before races.)

I'm not going to bore people with all the details of the day, but here are a few highlights that stick out in my mind. As previously, I've divided them into good and bad.

Pre-race.
Bad
The sickening feeling I always get before a race that I know people are expecting me to do well in, combined with the fear of failure and absolute belief that I am in no way capable of even completing what lies ahead.
Panic at realising I'd left part of my race kit at home
Fear of any one of my accumulated running injuries flaring up and causing me to DNF.

Good
Picking up my number to find Nicci had written 'Fly, Sarah, fly' on the back of it.
Going through my kit check with Gary, and having everything I needed (although I did later confess that I'd had to buy a couple of items at the pre-race shop!)
Meeting up with some Mud Crew folks (Bridget and Becky) and having a good pre-race giggle.

Mid-race.
Bad:
Higher-than-normal levels of irritability during the whole race. I never quite got into my comfortable ultra-rhythm.
'Jingly coin man' (At this point I feel I should explain and apologise. Just after the 11mile checkpoint I started to yoyo with a guy who must have had coins in his pocket. As previously mentioned, I was feeling more irritable than usual and I really had to bite my tongue to stop myself yelling at him to sort his damned pockets out. Jingly coin man, I apologise if I was less than friendly when you tried to chat to me.)
That goddamned headwind.

Good:
Comfortably running up the hills that I remember struggling up in 2013
Bursting into the 27 mile checkpoint yelling 'Gangnam style!!'
Taking the correct route after the final checkpoint!!!!!

End:
Bad:
Not getting close enough to the course record for my liking.
Feeling very heavy in the legs despite the short distance
Sore feet (This was the first time I've tried an ultra wearing my road shoes. It didn't feel good).

Good:
Centurion post-race food!!!
Coming in first lady, getting that coveted trophy that I missed out on in 2013, and then getting to donate my trophy to the last woman in, Maxine Lock.

As always, Centurion guys, I love you!