Running broken

Once again I've looked back at my blog and realised how long it's been since I updated things. The blog is proving to be really useful to me these days, as I'm back running, but the frustration of how much fitness and endurance I've lost can be overwhelming, so it's really useful to look back and see how far I've come.

Yes, I'm running again. And I have been since the 2nd of June. That was the date of my 3 month follow-up with my consultant. That day I had an x-ray, and, feeling very nervous (I'd been spending a lot of time in the gym and the niggling thought of 'what if I've damaged the fixation' was always at the back of my mind) I asked him if my knee was up to running yet. He pulled a face and told me not to do anything stupid (yeah, as if!!). Later that evening I ran 0.5 of a mile, lurching to one side like a drunk as my right leg had minimal proprioception or strength. It felt so good. Within a week I was back up to one mile. It's painful, always painful, but the pain would never get any worse during a run. Night time was a different matter, and my sleep was now constantly disturbed by a feeling I can only liken to toothache in the knee. Now, 2 months on and that is still the case. I'm hoping that this is partly to do with the metalwork, and that the pain will ease off a lot when this is taken out.

Now I'm back up to running most days, and so far I've managed a max of 18 miles. The thing I'm struggling most with is how SLOW I've become! I used to breeze along at 8 minute mile pace comfortably for a good 20 mile run. That is now a sprint pace that I can maintain for around half a mile before my legs just give up. And hills, I used to sail up a nice hill! Now I can just about plod to the top before I have to stop and let the feeling come back into my legs. And the weird thing is, it's my good leg that gives up first! I went running with Jason and he noticed that my gait was still slightly uneven. I can only assume that this is putting extra stress on my left knee and quad. Anyway, it's intensely frustrating, and for the time being I've given up running with any form of timekeeping or GPS due to the despair I feel when I check my time and find out how slow it is. I work hard, I feel out of breath, my lungs burning and sick to my stomach, and I'm just about hitting a 7mph pace, and for a second I'm disgusted with my body.

It's been hard watching other people I know do races and achieve such amazing things. I've watched races go by, seen course record get broken, seen friends selected to the GB team. Meanwhile I can just about manage my old routes without stopping every mile to rest.

So, I read my blog the other night. And I counted back and realised that it's only been 5 months since my second op and only 3 months since my brace came off. 3 months!!!! I remember the despair, the feeling of loss, the terrifying unknown before me when I lay in ED and they told me just how smashed up my knee was. And now, I'm out running EVERY DAY! I don't think I could have anticipated this back then, and I feel incredibly lucky that everything is actually going so well! When it first happened, I read about the severity of my injury, the biomechanics, the healing process and long term functional limitations and I was prepared to never be able to run properly again. I know that what I should be doing is counting my blessings every single second.

So, here I am, counting my blessings.
If you're reading this, then you're probably one of them.