This is a completely non-constructive and angry blog entry written with the sole intent of allowing me to vent my feelings.
6 months ago I underwent my second fixation. I had a total of 2.5 months non-weight bearing and 4 months non-running. I lost near 95% of my right quad strength. And yet, I look at that time off running...only 4 months....and expect my body to be able to pick up where we left off. Oh, sure, I'd have lost a bit of CV fitness but that would be easy to build up. I know other people who've had 4 months off with knee injury and they've got back to it with no problems.
I've been comparing myself to other people. About the same time as I did my knee, Emelie Fosberg tore her ACL. She's just made an amazing comeback, winning races already. Last year Jo Meek had several months off with injury, and she was winning marathons by the autumn. Why can't I do the same?
Logic tells me it's because of the difference in injury. Logic tells me that I am still functioning on 1.5 legs rather than 2. Logic tells me that it's going to be a long process, and that I need to be patient. It was a fracture, my whole quadriceps mechanism was disrupted, I lost most of the muscle in my right leg.
But I've had enough of logic and patience. I want to be back where I was, going into races to win, running like I'm flying. And I want it now!
So I signed up for the Ridgeway Challenge 86 mile ultramarathon. It was a stupid thing to do, but I had the tantalising memory of my wonderful run at Race to the Stones 2015 in my mind, that memory of just sailing along. I wanted that SO badly.
I didn't get it. I made it to 44 miles, most of it thoroughly miserable at my legs wouldn't allow me to sail. The 'achievable' 10 min mile pace made me exhausted. As my left leg got tired the pain in my right knee got worse and worse and my gait became more and more of a lurch. At 42 miles I had to walk through exhaustion and pain. At 44 miles I stopped. I felt nothing like the old me. Now the races I had started to plan for in the next year seem like a distant and unobtainable goal.
I'm angry. I shouldn't be in this position. I think part of the problem is the bubbling underlying helplessness I feel. Then the anger of the mechanism of injury sets in. I want to scream at the person who did this to me. Shake her and make her see how much mental trauma she's caused me. My entire life has veered off path because of this. Just because of her carelessness.
Then I remember, it's just a knee injury. It's just running. Other people have to deal with so much worse. And I feel overwhelming guilt for being so selfish and childish.
And I go back to my trainers.
And I try again.
