Dear diary

As I sit here, 3kg ankle weight on my leg, straight-leg raising and munching on a protein bar, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote a post.
So much has happened. I'm now walking, brace-free and slowly regaining muscle in my quad. I'm able to swim again and I have the flexion to manage the bike. I've spent more time on the elliptical trainer in the past 4 weeks than I ever wished to experience.

So, as I've been so remiss in posting updates about my experience, here is a brief diary.

14th of April. 6 week follow-up. Consultant said I could start fully weight bearing. I punched the air in excitement and nearly told him that I loved him...embarrassing considering that I used to work for the orthopaedic department. I went for a walk around the hospital. Just because I could. I spent the rest of the day with mum, walking around with both crutches, occasionally reducing down to one crutch whilst shouting 'mum, mum look at me!!' Must of been like having a toddler again for her! When I got home, I made cup after cup of tea and carried them around the house, just because I could.

15th of April. Went to the gym with both legs working. Got on the elliptical trainer. Got off again. Got back on again. Got off again. Finally got on and did 5 minutes. It felt weird and naughty. Stuck to the rowing machine for the rest of the week.

17th of April. Went for a WALK on the COASTPATH with my dad. Still using both crutches, but I felt like I was free.

18th of April. Got Jase to drop me off 2 miles before work and walked the rest of the way in.

17th April. Went for a proper off-road walk around one of my shorter running routes. Cried a lot.

22-24th of April. Did my first full weekend on call. I can't describe how wonderful it felt to be doing clinical work again. I love my job.

25th of April. My brace developed a squeak. I don't think they're designed to do quite as much as I'd been doing with it. It was due to be off completetly on the 28th, so I decided to ditch it a couple of days early. I was finally BRACE FREE!! Had my first physio appointment, he gave me a load of exercises to help develop my quad. It wasn't until this appointment that I realised how little function I had in this leg. I could balance on it for about 5 seconds, but it was like I was standing on a wobble-board I was so unsteady.

26th of April. Got back in the pool. Swimming was fairly alright really, as I don't use my legs a lot anyway. Managed 1km without too much of a problem.

28th of April. Went for my first walk without a brace. Decided (probably stupidly) to leave my crutches at home and only use walking poles. And to wear a 10kg weighted pack. 7 miles later and I thought my leg was going to drop off.

30th of April. This was the weekend that I should have been up in Scotland running the Hoka Highland Fling for the GB trail team selection. It was also the weekend of the TP100, and someone running it beat my previous centurion 100 record of 16hrs 13 minutes with a new record of 16 hours. I spent a lot of this weekend in tears.

7th of May. Went for a row out in the gig followed by a swim in the sea. All the while, all I could do was stare at the coastpath and wish that I was running it.

11th of May. Went out on my mountain bike for the first time. It felt great to be outside, but I hurt a lot afterwards. Realised how much further I had to go with this rehab lark.

It's been an emotional rollercoaster, punctuated with highs as I progress on to new things and lows as I inevitably do too much and my knee starts to hurt like hell. When I get pain, I start to despair and feel like I'll never run again. Sometimes I end up in a panic that I've caused further damage. I have a whole host of caring friends and family telling me to take it easy. If only it was that simple. I'm still having to make use of my designated sad time to help me deal with this.

So, onwards. For now I'm mainly focusing on trying to regain muscle and function. I'm back to swimming a lot as it's the only exercise I can really throw myself into without the fear of damage.

It's a long long road.