off course

Here we go again.
2 days postop, the pain is very similar to the first time, but I'm managing to keep on top of it with a strictly timed analgesia regime which I didn't do last time. This does mean that i spend most of the day completely spaced out,  but it definately seems to be the best way to manage. Yesterday, before I started taking the pain meds at exact times I lost control of the pain and subsequently spent a good couple of hours crying because it was so severe.

I'm currently struggling with the disappointment that, as a result of this repeat injury,  I have missed my interview for a core medical training post. The deanery and the cmt recruitment people were really helpful and did try to get me a last minute stand alone interview, but in the end it wasn't possible. All I can do is hope that there are posts left that I can apply for through round 2 applications. This setback also means that I won't be able to go to Paris with Jason at the beginning of April to cheer him on in the marathon, as I will now still be non-weight-bearing and travel is too risky.

It's weird being here again, and difficult having to deal with further disappointments.  The only thing feel I can compare it to its getting lost in a race.  In fact,  I have the perfect example. Centurion South Downs Way 50, 2013. My first real ultra.  I had no idea what I would be able to achieve, hoping only for a finish. The weather during the race was atrocious and moving forward was a constant battle against the wind. I managed to climb the rankings throughout the race as my steady plod took me forward through the storm whilst others were picked off by the cold, wind and rain. At 40 miles I overtook the leading female, and was set to come in first, something i could never have imagined possible of myself. Then, at 45 miles I took a wrong turn. The subsequent detour added an hour to my finish time and caused me to lose 1st place, dropping me down into 3rd.  I was unbelievably angry at myself, my stupidity and my carelessness which I felt had lead me to miss the correct route.

This race really does work as a comparison for my experience since the accident. I set out with no idea what function I will achieve at the end of this,  I just hope to finish and be able to run. I have battled against the storm to get myself closer to the finish, and just before I made it i have gone off course and am now having to retrace my steps to find my way back to the correct route, adding a month to my 'finish time' and losing out on 'prizes' as a result (job interview and trip to Paris).

At the moment, I'm struggling to find any positives to take from this setback. But maybe that is ok.  I have worked to stay positive throughout what had happened so far, taking each experience as a chance to learn and develop. But maybe it is acceptable for me to just feel utterly disappointed and overwhelmingly sad about this, and to acknowledge that this setback is really really shit and will impact on my mental state to the point that I may require external help to get through it.
Just for a short time.
But I will become stronger as a result.

Victories
acknowledging that it is acceptable to be disappointed and disheartened when something goes wrong.
Realising that I may need extra help in mentally getting through this setback and acknowledging that there is no shame in asking for help.